101 Rules of Thrash Metal
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101 Rules of Thrash Metal
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8.3 | 52 votes |
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1. Be violent. 2. Be aggressive. 3. Show hate. 4. If you can't show hate, show some anger. 5. But not St. Anger. 6. You are forbidden to show emotions. 7. Well, you can show anger. 8. But not St. Anger. 9. Never, ever, under any circumstances smile. Smiling is gay. 10. Thus, Anthrax is the gayest band ever. 11. Sing about killing, raping, torturing and destroying people. 12. Have no courage for even killing an ant. 13. Old-School thrash is the only thrash. 14. Comeback albums are not. 15. Don't be James Hetfield. 16. Don't be Dave Mustaine. 17. DON'T listen to punk, punk is gay. 18. Secretly, listen to the Misfits. 19. Hate new bands, old-school thrash is the only thrash. 20. Hate crossovers, old-school thrash is the only thrash. 21. If you run out of ideas, remember: life sucks, goverment sucks, you reject this fucking place, you despise this fucking race. 22. No matter if you are 15, say that you remember seeing those news about the death of Cliff Burton. 23. Say that you cried. 24. Aha! 25. 80's were the best time for thrash, try to be born in the 60's-70's to release your best album during that period. 26. Release your best album in 1986. 27. If you can't, you can do it in 1987. 28. After the 90's forget about thrash, 90's are so... unthrash!. 29. You have two options: 30. a) Split your band up. 31. b) Make some trash metal: 32. You can go heavy: anth... mega... 33. Or tribal: sepul... 34. Maybe industrial: krea... 35. Also country: met... 36. Even punky: sod... 37. If you split your band up in early 90's you've got permission to reform in early 2000's, and release one or two albums, then split again. 38. If you didn't break up, pretend to release a comeback album, after a decade of shit. 39. Kindly refer to rule #14, and madly to rule #5. 40. Own hundreds of old-school demos and albums. 41. Own Master Of Puppets. 42. Actually, listen only to this album. 43. Well, and maybe Reign in Blood. 44. Keep complaining about Metallica selling out. 45. Keep complaining about Megadeth selling out. 46. Keep complaining about [random bandname here] selling out. 47. Ballads are gay. 48. Naming a song "The Ballad" is even more GAY. 49. Keep this in mind, you were not a child. 50. And when you were, your childhood was full of sorrow. 51. But at least you didn't got molested, leave that for Nu Metal suckers. 52. Remember about your mother and father - and the undying spite you feel for them. 53. Acoustic guitars are limited to showing proeficiency, or intros/outros/interludes. 54. Release an album consisting of punk covers, this is not optional. 55. Remember, for riffs, you only have two strings, the 6th and 5th. 56. For solos you only have one, the 1st, maybe the 2nd. 57. You are forbidden to growl, unless you are from Germany. 58. Or from Brazil. 59. You are not Kreator, nor Sodom nor Destruction, and you never will be. 60. Try to be them. 61. Don't be death metal, death is dumb. 62. Don't be black metal, black is dumb. 63. Music theory? gimmie a break!! 64. Don't be progressive, progressive is dumb. 65. Hate any subgenre influenced by thrash, read rule #13. 66. Feel the fire of thrash burning your soul. 67. Not your body!!!!, read rule #15. 68. Look at you, your feelings turn stronger than hate!!!. 69. Sing a lot against religion, about killing Jesus and so on. 70. Claim to be roman catholic even if you do so. 71. Or claim to be atheist, and remember, Satan is funny, nazis were funny, serial killers are funny, shame on you Kerry King! 72. Only one member is allowed to sing. 73. Well, other members can scream at choruses. 74. Allowed words are: Die! Kill! Hell! Hey! 75. Don't have friends, friendship is gay. 76. Don't have girlfriends, that's gay. 77. What?! 78. Death metal's hostillity towards gayness is borrowed from thrash metal's. (read Death Metal rules, of course don't follow them). 79. When naming your favorite bands, always name Metallica first. 80. Forget about those bands which have the sound you have searched for years. 81. If you are from Brazil, name your band after a coffin related thing: Sepultura, Sarcófago, and so on. 82. San Francisco shores used to be good for writing thrash in the 80's. 83. Power-Thrash: what?! Aggressive dragons? 84. Death-Thrash: read rule 61. 85. Black-Thrash: haven't you read rule 62 yet? Also, black is so... unthrash 86. Progressive-Thrash: read rule 64 87. Post-Thrash: post-thrash is forbidden, read rule #13. 88. Secretly listen to Pantera. 89. I mean, secretly listen to their first albums. 90. Gotcha! You are gay! 91. No matter if it's legal now, sue Napster!!! 92. Asking for melodic thrash bands its the gayest thing that someone could ever do. 93. ---"Seriously, can you recommend me a melodic thrash band?"--- 94. Death, Death Angel, Dark Angel, Morbid Angel, Morbid Saint - THESE BANDS ARE NOT THE SAME!!! 95. Five more to go! 96. Write rules for thrash metal, its a chick magnet. 97. Reading rules for thrash metal its also a chick magnet 98. Kill Bob Rock! 99. Ask Rick Rubin to do that. 100. Be enemy of your fellow thrashers. 101. Done! |
Comments
| GT Coffee!! Staff Posts: 5101  |
Hahahaha...what a great read  Quote:
----  Dreams are made so we don't get bored when we sleep
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| Charly546 Posts: 314 |
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| xoJ1nXox Posts: 20 |
96. Write rules for thrash metal, its a chick magnet. 97. Reading rules for thrash metal its also a chick magnet Damn straight. 
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| selken Irreligious Posts: 949  |
Written by xoJ1nXox on 06.11.2007 at 23:22  it worked!!!!, I got you here
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| +{Jonas}+ I R Serious Cat Posts: 4955  |
Hahaha this kicks ass. Good one sleken  Now we only need someone to write the rules of gothic and avantgarde. 
---- "Nobody wants to be the weird kid, you just end up being the weird kid. You don't know how you ended up getting there" - Rob Zombie http://jonas-bs.deviantart.com My dA, mainly photography, go check it out!
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| Marcel Hubregtse Grumpy Old Fuck Elite Posts: 40071  |
okay these two don't make any sense whatsoever to me: 17. DON'T listen to punk, punk is gay. 18. Secretly, listen to the Misfits. ALL old school thrashers listen to punk and also wear it on their sleeves (cases in point being Anthrax, Slayer, Metallica) They never listened to punk secretly. The old thrash bands wore the Misfits shirts and other punk shirts as well. Maybe 17 & 18 aply to the modern day thrash fan but not to the old guys who grew up with thrash in the eighties.
---- Member of the true crusade against European Flower Metal Yesterday is dead and gone, tomorrow is out of sight Dawn Crosby (r.i.p.) 05.04.1963 - 15.12.1996 
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| Warman Erotic Stains Posts: 7695  |
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| selken Irreligious Posts: 949 |
Written by Marcel Hubregtse on 07.11.2007 at 17:16 Actually the spirit of these rules if for a Modern thrasher wannabe old-school.
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| Herzebeth Posts: 5537  |
78. Death metal's hostillity towards gayness is borrowed from thrash metal's. (read Death Metal rules, of course don't follow them). If you don't follow Death Metal rules...guess what...yep...you're gay.
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| Doc G. Full Grown Hoser Staff Posts: 9718  |
Written by Marcel Hubregtse on 07.11.2007 at 17:16 Yeah that kind of got me too. And that thing about modern day thrashers, most 'modern day' thrashers I know love punk. And also it seems alot of these rules could apply to any genre, the rest just seem to be naming off house bands. sorry, didnt find it all that entertaining.
---- "I got a lot of really good ideas, problem is, most of them suck." - George Carlin
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| IllNiñoSweden Posts: 331  |
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| ThrashMetal_Rulz Account deleted |
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| Smurfophagist Posts: 1069  |
only a couple of these are true. but i still find it entertaining. 
---- Having a signature is an absolute must.
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| Götter avatar of misery Elite Posts: 12300  |
These rules were not entertaining. The problem's the same as with death metal rules - instead of being creative, you just fill numbers up. Like here: 57. You are forbidden to growl, unless you are from Germany. 58. Or from Brazil. 59. You are not Kreator, nor Sodom nor Destruction, and you never will be. 60. Try to be them. The joke of adding the end of a previous rule on the next row gets old really quickly. The best rules were the first: the rules of black metal.
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| DrunkenFuck Thrasher! Posts: 455  |
"25. 80's were the best time for thrash, try to be born in the 60's-70's to release your best album during that period. 26. Release your best album in 1986. 27. If you can't, you can do it in 1987." Liked those^^
---- THRASH!!!
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| Graveheart Posts: 1543  |
"Try to be born in the 60s or 70s..." hahaha. This wasn't actually one of my favorite rules lists but I loved the ones telling you should have released your albums 20 years ago  Written by +{Jonas}+ on 07.11.2007 at 05:35 Somewhere there is a list consisting 101 rules of the gothic culture, but not specifically of "gothic metal" which I think you were talking about. It's all in Finnish though, but I translated half of it in the Gothics thread a very long time ago, so I'm not sure if it exists anymore. Pretty funny stuff anyway, I'll see if I can still find it.
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| +{Jonas}+ I R Serious Cat Posts: 4955 |
Written by Graveheart on 30.11.2007 at 22:20 Thanks partner
---- "Nobody wants to be the weird kid, you just end up being the weird kid. You don't know how you ended up getting there" - Rob Zombie http://jonas-bs.deviantart.com My dA, mainly photography, go check it out!
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| BurbotsRevenge Foetal Butchery Posts: 1602  |
22. No matter if you are 15, say that you remember seeing those news about the death of Cliff Burton. and 32. You can go heavy: anth... mega... 33. Or tribal: sepul... 34. Maybe industrial: krea... 35. Also country: met... 36. Even punky: sod... hilarious, some good points in there good work!
---- Dark death metal from Sydney: https://www.facebook.com/GolgothanRemains
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| DoomGuard Posts: 368  |
Pretty funny...but now everyone around me in class are looking at me funny cause i'm laughing at this...
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| Toolshed Posts: 282  |
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| Doh Posts: 213  |
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| Inlé Posts: 334  |
It's quite funny but reading it it feels like you struggled to get 101, a lot.
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| selken Irreligious Posts: 949 |
Written by Inlé on 18.01.2008 at 22:24 Actually I did over 106 but Ivan edited them (remove some, changed, merged I think) to fit them properly
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| Syk myspace/bonerama Posts: 1504  |
66-67 & 38 rock, and I love the conflict between 54 & 17. And 21 rhymes, nice!
---- death ? thrash ? death/doom/prog ? Hail Zoldon! he's not the kind you have to wind up on Sundays
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| +{Jonas}+ I R Serious Cat Posts: 4955 |
You knwo, I expected some mention of Trivium's album The Crussade.
---- "Nobody wants to be the weird kid, you just end up being the weird kid. You don't know how you ended up getting there" - Rob Zombie http://jonas-bs.deviantart.com My dA, mainly photography, go check it out!
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