Band:	Iced Earth
Album:	A Narrative Soundscape
Style:	Heavy metal, US power metal
Release date:	January 2022

01. Dystopia (A Narrative Soundscape)
02. Declaration Day (A Narrative Soundscape)
03. Wolf (A Narrative Soundscape)
04. Dante's Inferno (A Narrative Soundscape)
05. Melancholy (A Narrative Soundscape)
06. Dracula (A Narrative Soundscape)
07. Raven Wing (A Narrative Soundscape)
08. Angels Holocaust (A Narrative Soundscape)
09. The Clouding (A Narrative Soundscape)
10. Something Wicked (A Narrative Soundscape)
11. Watching Over Me (A Narrative Soundscape)
12. Seven Headed Whore (A Narrative Soundscape)
13. Damien (A Narrative Soundscape)
14. Question Of Heaven (A Narrative Soundscape)
15. Come What May (A Narrative Soundscape)

Something wickedly bad.

Have you ever heard of the subway chinrest, the butterstick, shoe umbrellas or the USB pet rock? No? I can’t blame you. These are some examples of things that could vie for the title of the dumbest inventions ever. But lo and behold a new challenger has arrived in the form of whatever this thing is, I’ve just listened to... I’ll need more than 500 words (and some aspirins) for this...

Where to even begin with this one? Screw it, let’s start with the production. Why? Well, because it’s probably the only (relatively) positive thing I can talk about. It’s perfectly fine. Iced Earth has always had very solid to absolute great sounding productions in my opinion. This is not really any different. From what I can gather, it’s a mix of re-recorded sound bits with some files Jon probably found on his old computer. Think of things like the choir usage on “Damien” and “Question Of Heaven”. So all in all, this could be a contender for the “not quite as lazy as I expected, but still pretty damn lazy” award.

What about the performances? I mean, can you even call it a performance? It’s literally a guy reading his own song texts without any rhythm to speak of. It works as well as eating soup with a toothpick. Meanwhile, we are also removing any sort of emotion that could be implied by the song texts. “Dracula”, “Melancholy”, “A Question Of Heaven”: these songs are known by fans to have quite an emotional approach to them. I’d even argue it’s one of the reasons why fans liked Matt Barlow so much; the way he interpreted the lyrics and used his voice to deliver the lines is what makes those songs so memorable in the Iced Earth catalogue. Here it’s pure cringe. Similar to the amount of cringe you’d find in the Star Wars prequels. But not in a funny way, here it’s more the tragic type of cringe.

The only thing Jon seems to evoke with his ehm... “style”... is making everything sound like a threat. And if that wasn’t obvious enough, don’t worry, he made sure there are some audio effects sporadically layered over his voice to emphasize that. Audio effects which I can only describe as the sound of Darth Vader’s respirator breaking down. Honestly, what has happened to the original songs on this album, is next-level insulting. Like your neighbour peeing in your letterbox, only to set it on fire after that and maybe even flipping you off in the process as well.

And what’s the point of this anyway? A cash-grab? 100% certainty on that one. But even then, why go to the lengths of producing this rubbish? I mean, you could have just released this as a symphonic soundscape without the godawful narration. Or, (bear with me on this one) make a narrative soundscape of the Something Wicked saga. You know, that concept story that spans over multiple albums... But I guess taking a dump on your songs is like taking a dump in real life. You want to do it on the best possible toilet seat if you got the chance for it, so it’s only natural to do it on some of your best songs.

This can go to the deepest depths of Hell, for all I care. The “buried head first in shit” line in “Dante’s Inferno” perfectly encapsulates how I felt while listening to A Narrative Soundscape with my headphones on. And coincidentally, the line “Abandon all hope who enters here” is a fitting analogy/warning for those who are tempted to listen to this.